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this is gonna be a very different post from what i usually do, and this post is going to deal with very serious problems so if you want to click off i completely understand and i encourage you to read another post from the blog but i just need to ramble to get a lot of negative stuff out of me, and having it out there in a form i enjoy might help me.

earlier this year, january i believe, i wanted to end it. i still think today as to why as i never found out the exact reason i just wanted to stop my lifeline then and there and i think it's been urking me since the situation happened. of course i didn't try anything, i didn't have the power to and i'm thankful about that. i bring this up because i believe this helps understand what about me this year has been completely down, of course it goes without saying i'm not in that mindset anymore, and im incredibly thankful for that. i feel like im a terrible person. i know im good in my heart and i want the best for the ones i love but there's an underlying feeling in me that i feel like im hiding but im not, it's strange to really think about but i think im suffering with imposter syndrome. one of the reasons i feel like this is just the lack of loneliness in my life and not having people in my life to help me and support me and show me some type of care, which in return led me to begin slowly hating them in return. it sometimes makes nights completely unbearable for me to go through, and i think about what life would be like if i had friends that FELT like they cared about me. i often feel like i have no one. it eats at me so often where i would rather shelter myself because i don't feel like anyone is there for me leading me to not reach out and do something about it. i love my friends but i wish it felt like they cared about me. i have a best friend who i think the world of and the only person on this planet who understands me and what im about as we're both very similar in person but i never feel like he's my friend because he has his girlfriend too prioritized over anyone else. i have another but due to unfortunate circumstances beyond either of our control i can't see him, and im not close with my other 3 friends to feel like they would care about me. i often distance myself from people as i hate the attention and the reality of it is that people are shallow and actually don't care, which is something i don't want to do as i just hate it. everyday feels lonely, every hour feels lonely, which leads to me feeling awful. i have all these things around me but they don't fulfill me how i want, and i feel like i'm stuck in this bubble. i want to get out, it's all i dream of. i want to get out and be happy. being here is miserable, i loathe every bit of it. im an unhappy person, i always have been, i just want to escape. in whatever way works for me. i wanna be around people that care about me, i wanna be around be around people i love, but i just can't get that. i love my mother obviously but i just can't stand this anymore. being alone is an awful thing that feels you with a lot of regret and shame of who you are and it's been eating at me since day one. i don't know what to do since im stuck in every position possible. school is dreadful to go to as i got myself caught up in some petty drama that permanently ruined everything for me, leaving me to feel alone even worse, and now that my best friend is too focused with his relationship, i truly feel like i have no one to go to. i have my internet friends, but that's not enough, i need someone in person. i love my friends though, i can't express how much joy they brought to my life and knowing any of them are available with a text message. i talk to about 6-7 of them, and they're all wonderful people. it's been 2 months since ive started this blog and it's probably the greatest thing ive done. i love this, i love knowing i didn't commit it just to type this out. im not a spiritual person, nor do i believe everything happens for a reason, but im glad where i ended up i suppose. i just need a friend. anyone. to get me through this life, or this era. im only a teenager still, i know life is gonna be better at some point but it's just not fun at this current moment, and i wonder if it's gonna be worth it when it comes, it doesn't feel like it. i love everyone here, if you're reading this i love you. thank you for everything you've done for me even if you didn't realize it. wow okay that reads out worrying, trust me it's not. i just wish i was a happier person and i don't know if im getting that just yet. i sometimes wanna drop from the earth and isolate so i don't have any problems, but i dug myself into a weird hole. i don't know, i just need a person in my life. im gonna end this post right here because i don't know what else to say. every post from now on is gonna be positive 99% of the time, im sorry for this negative post i just needed to get this out.

it'll get better, i know, but why do i have to endure all this pain for it?

best regards,

ruby onoculum